like you a lot
by dianna44
Summary: this is my memorial for Her. how we met. what happened. what followed. what the end result was. i chose rin and haru to convey it.


so as of three hours now, i'm aware that an old online gf of mine has committed suicide a week ago. her birthday was coming up and i randomly thought of her. she had anorexia. she liked my fics. i liked her. i miss her so much. i finally stopped crying and wrote this. it's almost 4 am where i am. i miss her. please hold onto your friendships and love everyone you love and tell them. because i never got to tell her. a lot of these messages are real messages between the two of us. this is how i'm allowing myself to miss her. i wrote her a fic. something she loved. how we met. i miss you. i'm so sorry.

stay alive.

-dianna

* * *

 **new chat message with mackerelboy!**

 **accept or deny?**

" "

 **rinmatsuoka accepted your friend request!**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: who is this?**

 **mackerelboy: haru nice to meet you**

 **rinmatsuoka: ? hi i'm rin i guess what's up?**

 **mackerelboy: i like your fanfictions**

 **rinmatsuoka: omG THANK YOU! which ones do you read?**

 **mackerelboy: all of them**

 **rinmatsuoka: REALLY? THAT'S SO SWEET THANK YOU**

 **mackerelboy: yeah i saw you had a tumblr so i wanted to say that**

 **rinmatsuoka: well thank you lol really i don't really like any of my fanfictions to be honest**

 **mackerelboy: ? whatttttt**

 **rinmatsuoka: lol yeah but really thank you for liking them**

 **mackerelboy: well no problem i guess haha**

 **mackerelboy: sorry i have to go now sorry**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka followed you back!**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: wyd?**

 **mackerelboy: oh hii uhm nothing much trying to study i guess**

 **rinmatsuoka: what class?**

 **mackerelboy: english it's my worst subject lol**

 **rinmatsuoka: oh i'm really good at english maybe i can help!**

 **mackerelboy: of course you're really good i've read your fanfics before remember**

 **rinmatsuoka: i could still be bad at english though**

 **mackerelboy: doubt it haha**

 **rinmatsuoka: do you want help?**

 **mackerelboy: no i'm fine but thank you for asking anyway**

 **rinmatsuoka: no problem! if you ever need help with something ask me :)))**

 **mackerelboy: thank you i guess haha**

 **rinmatsuoka: did that sound too creepy sorry i get overly enthusiastic sometimes**

 **mackerelboy: no it's fine it's just weird talking to you i've loved your fics for so long**

 **rinmatsuoka: stop saying shit like that you're making me blush omg**

 **mackerelboy: Oh No**

 **rinmatsuoka: shush**

 **rinmatsuoka: shit sorry i have to go ttyl okay?**

 **mackerelboy: sure sounds cool**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka|**

 **not feeling so hot today sorry guys i know i promised an update but i literally just want to kill myself and i don't know it's been hard i'm sorry i'll update when i can**

 **" "**

 **mackerelboy: hey i know we just started talking but i would miss you if you died**

 **mackerelboy: like i have 13 followers on here and you're one of them and i don't really talk that much to people but i know i like talking to you**

 **rinmatsuoka: omg wow. thank you. shit i'm crying i'm pathetic lol. but really thank you. i like talking to you too.**

 **mackerelboy: what makes you sad? i'm sad too. a lot of things make me sad. lol sorry**

 **rinmatsuoka: don't apologize. i'm sorry you're sad as well. and idk. everything really. i don't know it's stupid sorry i'm stupid**

 **mackerelboy: you're not stupid**

 **mackerelboy: trust me you aren't. you are smart and kind and nice and funny and you write amazing stories and some of the messages you wrote in your story made me feel loved and you are so thoughtful and i've lowkey had a fanboy crush on you for a while now and just**

 **mackerelboy: yeah**

 **mackerelboy: shit sorry that sounds so creepy now that i'm reading it again i'm sorry i don't mean to creep you out i just wanted to tell you that if you can be like "loved" (liked?) that much by me i can't imagine how loved you are by your friends and family. you're loved and you should definitely stay alive and just thank you for helping me stay alive with your stories**

 **mackerelboy: sorry lol**

 **rinmatsuoka: please don't ever be sorry for what you just wrote because that was beautiful and i'm crying thank you so so so so SOOO much. that means so much and yeah you're right and i just get so sad sometimes i don't know i don't know how i was able to save your life with my stupid stories but i'm so glad i did because i'm so glad we're having this conversation right now and just yeah thank you i'm overwhelmed rn tbh lmao**

 **mackerelboy: your stories aren't stupid and neither are you**

 **rinmatsuoka: thank you. really. thank you so much. fuck thank youuuu**

 **mackerelboy:** **J** **no problem. i'm here to talk to. thank you for writing the stories in the first place.**

 **rinmatsuoka: well :)) i try haha. and same goes to you. about being here to talk to. if you ever feel sad or something tell me okay? thank you**

 **mackerelboy: will do**

 **" "**

 **mackerelboy|**

 **the water feels tainted i am tainted i deserve to die i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself so much no one loves me i don't deserve anything i hate what i look like i hate food i hate existing**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: stay alive. much love**

 **mackerelboy: i'm still here. thank you. thank you.**

 **rinmatsuoka: i'm always going to be here for you. thank you.**

 **mackerelboy: yeah**

 **" "**

 **mackerelboy: favorite color?**

 **rinmatsuoka: uhm red i guess idk. you?**

 **mackerelboy: blue. like water.**

 **rinmatsuoka: cool. secret about yourself?**

 **mackerelboy: i hate english. you?**

 **rinmatsuoka: hey no fair that's not a secret you loser. lol uhm. i can't sleep without my pillow idk**

 **mackerelboy: aw that's cute**

 **rinmatsuoka: shut up**

 **" "**

 **mackerelboy: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MENTIONED ME IN YOUR COMMENTS OF YOUR NEW FIC**

 **rinmatsuoka: ;) ;) ;) ;)**

 **mackerelboy: WHY AM I GAINING FOLLOWERS DAMNIT RIN**

 **rinmatsuoka: o**

 **mackerelboy: -_-**

 **rinmatsuoka: lol**

 **mackerelboy: leave me alone**

 **rinmatsuoka: never**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: HARU YOU'RE CUTE WTF**

 **mackerelboy: wait what. what are you talking about what**

 **rinmatsuoka: i FOUND YOUR FACEBOOK AND YOU'RE CUTE I'M**

 **mackerelboy: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU FIND MY FACEBOOK**

 **rinmatsuoka: oMG YOU SWIM?**

 **mackerelboy: yEAH?**

 **rinmatsuoka: I DO TOOOOO**

 **mackerelboy: WAIT REALLY WHAT TYPE?!**

 **rinmatsuoka: free and butterfly. :)) you?**

 **mackerelboy: i only swim free**

 **rinmatsuoka: it's so cool that you swim and are cute that's so cool**

 **mackerelboy: why is me being cute so cool?**

 **rinmatsuoka: ;)**

 **mackerelboy: RIN**

 **rinmatsuoka: ;)**

 **mackerelboy: ugh i'm blocking you bye**

 **rinmatsuoka: nuuuu come back please i miss you ;)**

 **mackerelboy: stop winking then**

 **rinmatsuoka: ;)**

 **mackerelboy: BYE**

 **rinmatsuoka: ;)**

 **rinmatsuoka: haruuuuu**

 **rinmatsuoka: ugh fine i see how it is be mean to mean then fineeeee**

 **rinmatsuoka: ;) ?**

 **rinmatsuoka: you suck bye i'm gonna bash you in the my next fic i'm gonna write an entire fic about how much you suck**

 **rinmatsuoka: ;)**

 **rinmatsuoka: harruuuuu**

 **rinmatsuoka: finneee i'll stop**

 **mackerelboy: thank god finally**

 **rinmatsuoka: ;)**

 **rinmatsuoka: shit sorry lol**

 **rinmatsuoka: haruuu i said i was sorry come back**

 **rinmatsuoka: :((**

 **rinmatsuoka: fine ugh bye**

 **rinmatsuoka: also are we not going to talk about the fact that your name is actually haruka because lol that's a girl's name**

 **mackerelboy: whatever "rin"**

 **rinmatsuoka: fuck off**

 **mackerelboy: ;)**

 **" "**

 **mackerelboy: not feeling so good right now :/**

 **rinmatsuoka: why what's up i'm sorry what's wrong**

 **mackerelboy: haven't eaten in a while i'm kind of hungry idk**

 **rinmatsuoka: then eat?**

 **mackerelboy: i don't want to rin**

 **rinmatsuoka: wait why**

 **rinmatsuoka: haru?**

 **rinmatsuoka: haru please answer me what's wrong?**

 **mackerelboy: talk to you later bye rin**

 **rinmatsuoka: haru…**

 **rinmatsuoka: okay. ttyl i guess**

 **" "**

 **mackerelboy: sorry about last time btw**

 **rinmatsuoka: no it's fine**

 **rinmatsuoka: what was wrong though are you not eating?**

 **rinmatsuoka: haru**

 **mackerelboy: i don't like to eat**

 **mackerelboy: i'm too fat and ugly and i don't even deserve to eat like so many people don't get to eat why should i have to?**

 **rinmatsuoka: haru no. please no. you need to eat something have you eaten something?**

 **mackerelboy: sort of idk**

 **rinmatsuoka: what did you eat?**

 **mackerelboy: i had a bite of mackerel but i think it wasn't cooked all the way or something idk i threw it up right afterwards and drank some water**

 **rinmatsuoka: is that all? haru please. eat when you can.**

 **mackerelboy: ok**

 **mackerelboy: hey i'm going to go now bye**

 **rinmatsuoka: i'm sorry i'm so shit at saying stuff like this**

 **rinmatsuoka: bye talk to you later :/**

 **" "**

 **mackerelboy: my parents got mad at me**

 **rinmatsuoka: why?**

 **mackerelboy: they made my favorite dinner but i didn't eat it and then they yelled at me for being lazy and not eating and i don't think they like the fact that i'm gay either idk i can't tell yet and just idk i just am not hungry i'm just not hungry why can't they get that?**

 **rinmatsuoka: when was the last time you ate?**

 **mackerelboy: i ate breakfast yesterday. i ate half of an apple. it tasted weird though**

 **rinmatsuoka: have you told your parents this, haru?**

 **mackerelboy: they don't need to know so no**

 **rinmatsuoka: haru**

 **mackerelboy: rin**

 **rinmatsuoka: haru please tell them please tell them you'll tell them**

 **mackerelboy: i might idk i gtg bye**

 **rinmatsuoka: bye :/**

 **" "**

 **mackerelboy: i told them**

 **rinmatsuoka: that's great :)**

 **mackerelboy: i guess**

 **mackerelboy: bye**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: hey i know it's been a while but how are you**

 **mackerelboy: idk**

 **mackerelboy: fine i guess i'm listening to music**

 **rinmatsuoka: oh cool! what are you listening to?**

 **mackerelboy: i don't want to tell you**

 **rinmatsuoka: :( why not?**

 **mackerelboy: you'll make fun of me**

 **rinmatsuoka: no i won't i swear**

 **rinmatsuoka: i'm listening to cyndi lauper rn if it makes you feel better**

 **rinmatsuoka: girls just wanna have fun**

 **rinmatsuoka: lmao i hate myself haha**

 **rinmatsuoka: haru?**

 **rinmatsuoka: are you okay haru?**

 **mackerelboy: shit sorry i got distracted. yeah i'm fine. you?**

 **rinmatsuoka: idk still here i guess. gonna update ff soon :)**

 **mackerelboy: yayy**

 **rinmatsuoka: yeah** **J**

 **mackerelboy: well i'll read it when it comes out swear**

 **rinmatsuoka: you better imam dedicate the chapter to you ;)**

 **mackerelboy: again with the winking what a goddamn flirt**

 **rinmatsuoka: lol damn rite**

 **mackerelboy: stop**

 **rinmatsuoka: but i'm funny**

 **mackerelboy: no**

 **rinmatsuoka: i'm funny!**

 **mackerelboy: blocked**

 **rinmatsuoka: same**

 **" "**

 **mackerelboy: so i sort of have a crush on you idk sorry i just thought you should know sorry and after reading the last a/n in your last update i kind of want to kiss you too**

 **rinmatsuoka: i would kiss you too if i could**

 **mackerelboy: yeah**

 **rinmatsuoka: we can have like chat sex? is that a thing? like sexting but over tumblr chat lol?**

 **rinmatsuoka: i'm kidding btw**

 **mackerelboy: oh are you?**

 **rinmatsuoka: yes. i really am. lol**

 **mackerelboy: surreeeeeee**

 **rinmatsuoka: leave me aloneee**

 **mackerelboy: also i'm on mobile rn so it's basically sexting like you know if we were gonna do that and shit**

 **mackerelboy: which we're not**

 **rinmatsuoka: yeah**

 **rinmatsuoka: anyway bye like you a lot**

 **mackerelboy: like you a lot too**

 **rinmatsuoka: :)  
**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: like you a lot**

 **mackerelboy: like you a lot too :))))**

 **rinmatsuoka: xxxxxx**

 **mackerelboy: xxxxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 **rinmatsuoka: same**

 **" "**

 **skype call ended**

 **rin_matsuoka: hoLY SHIT**

 **harukananase: I KNOW**

 **rin_matsuoka: that was INTENSE I LIKE YOU SO MUCH**

 **harukananse: I LIKE YOU TOO**

 **rin_matsuoka: YAY**

 **harukananse: geek**

 **rin_matsuoka: your geek ;) ;) ;) ;)**

 **harukananase: again with that fucking winking GOODBYE I'M DIVORCING YOU**

 **rin_matsuoka: oMG WE'RE MARRIED?**

 **harukananse: ;)**

 **rin_matsuoka: i hate you omg**

 **harukananse: ;)**

 **" "**

 **mackerelboy: it's bad again**

 **rinmatsuoka: shit haru no please no**

 **rinmatsuoka: i like you a lot haru**

 **mackerelboy: i can't really do anything either like i'm just not hungry and i feel so disgusting? i'm so fuCKING DISGUSTING?**

 **rinmatsuoka: you aren't you aren't you are beautiful you are a bEAUTIFUL human being with the most gorgeous smile and the most beautiful eyes and the most wonderful personality and i'm so glad we're boyfriends (sort of idk i just know i like you so much i like you a lot, remember?)**

 **mackerelboy: please stop lying to me**

 **rinmatsuoka: i'm not lying to you i swear haru i like you so fucking much it scares me and we live so far away from each other and i just i LIKE YOU A LOT**

 **mackerelboy: ok**

 **rinmatsuoka: when did you eat last?**

 **mackerelboy: why do you care?**

 **rinmatsuoka: haru. please don't do that**

 **mackerelboy: well it's not your fucking business okay**

 **rinmatsuoka: haruka pLEASE**

 **mackerelboy: bye rin i don't really want to talk to you right now**

 **rinmatsuoka: okay. i'll give you some space. i'm sorry. i like you a lot.**

 **rinmatsuoka: :/**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: i miss you**

 **rinmatsuoka: it's been a week haru are you okay?**

 **rinmatsuoka: talk to me when you want to okay**

 **rinmatsuoka: like you a lot**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: i like you a lot so much remember**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: i went swimming today and thought of you you're so phenomenal haru you really are i'm so happy we're together miss you**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: it's been almost 2 weeks now. talk to me when you can sorry for what i said then.**

 **rinmatsuoka: i just want you to be happy**

 **" "**

 **sorry! you cannot view this profile.**

 **" "**

 **rin_matsuoka: haru, did you block me on tumblr?**

 **rin_matsuoka: haru what did i do i'm sorry**

 **rin_matsuoka: i like you a lot**

 **rin_matsuoka: i'm sorry**

 **" "**

 **…** **mackerelboy**

 **…** **this user is not following you**

 **" "**

 **are you sure you want to unfollow mackerelboy?**

 **yes no**

 **{yes}**

 **" "**

 **what's the date today – Google Search**

 **what happened on June 30** **th** **in history? – Google Search**

 **rinmatsuoka – Yahoo Mail**

 **it's his birthday – Google Search**

 **how do i get over someone – Google Search**

 **fuck you – Google Search**

 **mackerelboy. tumblr .com – loading**

 **mackerelboy. tumblr .com**

 **" "**

 **mackerelboy|**

 **about to get better. will miss you all. especially you.**

 **" "**

 **mackerelboy. tumblr archive**

 **mackerelboy. tumblr post/182838475/in-hospital-sorry-guys-rin**

 **mackerelboy. tumblr post/172863787/not-anymore-bye-everyone**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: haru no**

 **rinmatsuoka: fuKC UCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK**

 **rinmatsuoka: HARUKA WHAT THE FUCK NO**

 **rinmatsuoka: no please don't be dead i miss you so much haru please don't be dead please don't be dead**

 **rinmatsuoka: haru please**

 **rinmatsuoka: i like you a lot**

 **rinmatsuoka: haru it's been a year now haru please i miss you so much**

 **rinmatsuoka: PLEASE**

 **rinmatsuoka: please don't be a "was" be an "is" please you are amazing it's not you used to be amazing you're supposed to still be amazing please ahary fuck fu kc ufkc ufkc fuck fuck**

 **rinmatsuoka: fuck yfiahfkc fuck fucj harr please haru pekase no pelease**

 **rinmatsuoka: please**

 **rinmatsuoka: FUCK**

 **rinmatsuoka: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKAFKLAFS FUCK**

 **rinmatsuoka: i'm sorry id din't talk to you more i love you fuck i love you fuck i love you so much**

 **rinmatsuoka: i miss you**

 **rinmatsuoka: please**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: i miss you so much**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: when did you unblock me?**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: i like you so much i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you**

 **" "**

 **rinmatsuoka: i never even got to hold your hand**

 **" "**

 **Delete Account|**

 **Now just a minute.**

 **Are you sure you want to delete your** ** _whole_** **account? You'll lose everything. Usernames, themes, the love we shared, likes, messages, and everything you've ever posted will be gone forever.**

 **If you're sure, confirm by logging in below.**

 **rinmatsuoka yahoo. com  
**

 **password**

 **Delete everything.**

* * *

living is worth it

-DiAnna44

(also this type of fic on ff. net isn't allowed so it might be taken down so this fic is also on ao3)


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